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Okay, so. Im 16, and im comming to terms that i have an ed.

im not gunna say my entire life story of how it became, but because i think its ironic, it started because of a story of a girl who had anorexia, trying to convince people how bad it was. But i guess i took it the wrong way. Oops

but in a world of thin, beautiful, girls...i feel out of place. And in my process of attempting to acheive that. Ive become this. Obsessed with calories, and an adict of loosing weight. But its what makes me happy, or at least tries to, and isnt that what matters? happiness? i think so.

Its all about numbers and goals to me, i am living for the day that i look down on the scale and it reads the perfect 100. Not 127.6. 122.3, or 118.7... I mean the day when it all pays off, and i can be perfect in my mind. The day i can look in the mirror, and not feel digusted, the day i can walk down the halls and think,� im thinner than you, you and you. When i can feel small, no matter how many balck outs, how many times i almost give in, how many intense workouts, how many people question my eating habbits, i will reach my goal. 100 pounds, and its just around the corner wish me luck, <3

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First off, I would like to apologise for my lack of commenting on posts, I have been reading them and meaning to comment, but you know how it is with fuzzy brains.

Secondly, I was hoping I could ask you guys for some help? There is a girl moving to Dublin from Portugal. Her mother and mine were good friends many years ago and have recently met up again. Anyways, the girl is called Isabelle and she will be arriving on Saturday. I was wondering if any of you know of any rooms coming available soon as she and a friend are looking for some where to live. Also she is an actress, and she is hoping to get work either acting or at the service end of the theater industry. As far as acting goes, I was wondering about extra work and what those of you who have done it would suggest. Really, any input anybody has would be great.

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There was a show last night at ourfarm, this 600-acre piece of land about an hour away from louisville. I rode down early in the day and came back late last night. I went on a long walk with some other folks through pastures and down to a pond full of duckweed and trees. Dogs splashed around in the murky water and shook all over us.

then we walked through a field on the crest of this big hill that was surrounded by trees. It was like being inside of a marble. We found our way to the lake and rowed around in a boat. It was really pleasant, floating around, the leaves changing, drifting through the air on the bank.

when the moon came out, i climbed up on the hay bales and watched it rise, and it was dark enough at the farm that i could see the cloudy glow of the milky way. I hadnapos;t seen that in quite a while. I also got to sit around a big campfire surrounded by diy types and punks and rural folks and dogs. My clothes smell like wood smoke.

sometimes solitude is what i need. Not often. But when i need it, and i finally get some outdoor solitude, i feel cleansed. Itapos;s nice to let all the social junk drift off of you, let the chill of night settle on your body, watch your breath float away on the air in tiny wisps, because itapos;s not that cold yet, but cold enough.

i need to visit the farm more often.

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I actually managed to wake up early this morning.� So I went out into the kitchen to get something to drink.

...My motherapos;s out in the living room reading something out of the bible to my half-sister.� (Who Iapos;m surprized didnapos;t burst into flames, being the demon child she is.)�

When she was done, I asked her "How can you read that without laughing?"

She called mean aetheist pig. :c� And said sheapos;d be sad that Iapos;m the only one going to hell when the rest of the familyapos;s in heaven.� Which I thought was hilarious since she cheated on my father when they were married.�(Adultery, much?)�But I didnapos;t say anything about it.� Iapos;m just going to LOL in my head.

She thinks Iapos;m going to burn for eternity.� You know what I think?� I think Iapos;ll be dead, so I really wont�care.� And really?� Iapos;d rather be in hell with all�the gay�people than be in heaven with a bunch of bigots.

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I donapos;t think we should be friends anymore.

Iapos;m sick and tired of living with you and Iapos;m not sure I can stand the thought of being around you anymore.

The funny part is that itapos;s never that easy, is it? Yes, nothing ever is, but the point is there are simply things in this world that is not as easy or complex as I make it seem.

Youapos;re a hypocrite. An ass. Youapos;re mean and vindictive, and you take it out on innocent parties. To borrow from Sliding Doors, you donapos;t know what you want, but you reserve the right to be pissed off when you donapos;t get it.

And boy do you get pissed off.

Sometimes itapos;s just funny that after knowing each other for so long you realize you donapos;t know each other at all. Sometimes in tiny moments things are highlighted, details get magnified, and when itapos;s good, itapos;s really, really good. And when itapos;s bad? When itapos;s bad it just goes to hell.

Or does it?

You read this blog and you think to yourself -- heck, you know, this isnapos;t the whole truth. According to The Breakfast Club, the truth is so much more than words can ever say. Iapos;m not even sure if thatapos;s the Breakfast Club, but what the hell.

This blog, of course, is not a complete nor accurate portrayal of me. There are events, truths if you will, that are not captured in the entries, updates given once or twice a week. Once upon a time this blog used to be so much more raw, more honest, then I told my friends and once again the walls came back up. Even the blog became guarded, revealing less and less until all the entries had were snippets, tiny moments that I feel like sharing.

Yet you demand explanation. You demand more. You demanded I share more in this little html corner in the big, bad, world (wide web).

You should know better.

And I expected more from you than this whiny insistence to explain myself to you.

Iapos;m not going to say this to your face, of course, because thatapos;s just stupid.

In fact, Iapos;m probably not going to post this at all.



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So I�just sat and read all of my entries that I�had stored. Today was the first time someone on this web site commented about my journal. I really never considered that other people may actually read it. . . . It striked my interest though, because I�know that I�am a�sickly, repetitive, individual�in my entries...and though I�write the same problems, feelings, actions over and over, I still continue the insanity and never change things. I�read entries that I wrote like June 07, and itapos;s astounding what progress I�have not made. Lol. I canapos;t do anything but laugh about it right? Jesus. (that was not in vain, more a mercy call).........Anyway,

��������� Today was rough. I feel bad I�did not call the doctor�I work with to inform her I�wouldnapos;t be attending the sermon at the mosque, it would be my first one........my phone died, and�I�hit 2 meetings.�

�������������������������������������������� Today was a very symbolic day. It happened exactly the way it needed to. The universe gave me exactly what Iapos;ve been attracting.�I found myself displaying behavior I really do not want to act. I have reached a lethargic state. Is it peace? I�am not sure. My sponsor is saving my life. God, Heapos;s showing me what I�need and needapos;nt do...but I�havenapos;t been listening and today was definitely a good indication that unless I wanna drive myself crazy...like actually ... Institutionally insane, then I�need to cut this shit out. I have made milestones in my recovery this time around. The ultimate damage in my life is gone. GoNe. . . Will I�replace it?/Him? ...........probably.�

������������������ Today: Confronted "M", for some reason she felt she needed to lie to me, she acted as if she was inferior to me. I�was not demonstrating attitude as if that was so. It made me sad for her. I explained she did not have to lie to me about any of it, I�held no position to argue or scold for anything done between the two....however, she still felt she needed to lie. . . . Sometimes life is astonishing....Beauty really is only skin deep.�

�������������������������� My life is a FunHouse, and I�keep walking into the distorted mirror. Over and over again...I have broken 4 times now. When will I shatter? Iapos;m not made of glass, but wood rather. I canapos;t be saved when I�donapos;t want to save myself. I canapos;t expect when I donapos;t want. I canapos;t hear if I donapos;t listen. I canapos;t love, if I donapos;t love thyself. I canapos;t hide wearing black in a padded white room. Need to put my shoes back on the right feet. I�have to stop living oh jeez, I forgot this behind attitude...need to turn around. No I�do not. Listen to the people Heapos;s speaking through. Listen and do. Listen and do. Listen and do. Or donapos;t..........and you wonapos;t.............anything.
I�make so much sense. Sexy wink.
�

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So I think my arm looks a little better. But I wimped ut on taking my meds at work, so i calld the doc and they said just take it when I get out today and go every twelve hours from there. I can do that.

Iapos;m goofing off at work because my brain is so scattered I cannot focus. I have all kinds of thoughts going through my head and cannot concentrate on anything.

Jim got my day started off great, as usual. Every time he says something crappy to or about me, I feel all the energy drain out of my body and I just want to sit down and cry. Sometimes I actually do it. I mean, its not like I believe the rotten stuff he says about me is true. Its that I do absolutely nothing to deserve being called these things, accused of these things, and yet, this idiot believes they are all true He is driving me insane, and so is Kate. The only happiness I get in life comes from watching my goofy lil daughter run around. Yesterday she had on overalls and a purple shirt, and her hair was sticking out in a curl on one side, and she was just so adorable, running around at the park. I want to much more for her out of life than I am giving her. I want her to have a happy mother, and I want her to seek HEALTHY relationships when she grows up, and all I am showing her is how to be a doormat and get people to make you feel an inch tall.

I have all these grand plans for taking control of my family, but thats all they are, plans. They do not take me seriously, they will not take me seriously, and I cannot deal with them. At all.

Anyway, I get out in about three hours. So then I go home for a bit, get yelled at by Jim for not being affectionate, called selfish, and other pretty words, then Iapos;ll pick up Dylan and Allyssa, she will probably have some reason she canapos;t pay me the gas money she owes me...then I can go home and be with the people who make me bone tired with misery.

People, I know I suck. I know this is my fault. That is the worst thing about it.

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